When we solidify plans to do something fun, our very first impulse is to share that information with our kids. More than anything, we love to see the joyfulness they exude when something delights them. We want to share every bit of happiness with them – because we adore them and they are at their very core the best, sweetest, funniest, kindest, smartest children we have ever known. (Please don’t misunderstand me. Sometimes we drive each other bananas, and they can be challenging and grumpy – especially when asked to turn the TV off, or when they are hungry, or to work on their math homework – but nobody is perfect.)

But what happens when that “good time” thing is canceled for reasons beyond anybody’s control? And it’s happened. We’ve made plans – big plans and small ones – where something unexpected forces us to cancel or delay or change the plans entirely. 

After being burned a few times, we decided to make it a habit to deny that impulse to share details of future fun events, if we can help it. 

We’ve taken the position that our children, while wildly blessed in so many ways, are also dealing with complex emotions relating to my darling husband’s chronic illness. Those complex emotions centered around caregiving and loving someone who is not well are hard for me to deal with and I’m a relatively balanced adult. Add to these complex emotions, disappointment related to a missed good time and there’s a good chance that resentment sets in toward the illness – and maybe even toward my darling husband. 

If we can avoid a situation where MS isn’t the reason something was canceled or delayed – we’re going to go that route. 

In the event of a cancellation or change of plans, in most cases, you and I would be capable of rationalizing that the MS is separate from the person. But I’m not so convinced that a child can make that distinction. And even if they could, I’m not sure that they could parse their feelings out that way – to be mad at the disease, but not at their dad. 

Some people might think that we’re using avoidance to manipulate our children’s emotions – that disappointment is a part of life and maybe it’s okay for them to experience the unpredictability of life. 

I’m here to say that our kids, and I think many childhood caregivers, have already been dealt a hand of cards that puts them at higher risk for social and emotional challenges. The purposeful delay of gratification, we hope, helps minimize some of those feelings of resentment and maybe helps us all avoid the FOMO (fear of missing out) factor. 

So, if we’re making plans together to spend time where our children are included – don’t be surprised if we show up and the kidlets are hyped. It’s likely they didn’t know what we were doing before getting in the car that day.