If I let myself, I could spiral to places no one should ever have to go.

The truth is, being a caregiver is just too unpredictable for my tiny lizard brain. And if I’m not actively managing my intrusive thoughts with ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms – therapy, writing, sharing with people who love me/us, and accepting help (this is very hard for me) – I would be so obviously dysfunctional that even strangers would notice.

(I reserve the right to unmask my dysfunction with the people I feel safest with – haha!)

So, knowing that writing this down will help me, the thing that has me the most unhinged these days is thinking about what life will be like when my darling husband comes home.

I’m already preparing for his return – and while I am excited to get back to ‘normal’ I question what normal is going to look like for us.

There’s no telling, right?

I know it’s going to be a very difficult adjustment. I know it’s not going to look the same as our normal before. I know it’s possible we’ll need more help, and certainly more equipment.

What’s funny is that we’re mourning what was never easy.

Our life before this hospitalization was not a walk in the park. But, it was certainly easier than what’s to come.

And, here’s the thing.

I’m not ready for this to be the end of family road trips and dinners at the table together.

I’m not ready for this to be the end of football games (we’re there to watch the band, folks) on Fridays and church on Sundays.

I’m not ready for this to be the end of school plays, dance recitals, and high school band concerts together.

I’m not ready for this to be the end of our happiness.

And, I’m going to be honest – I kinda don’t care how darling husband feels about that. I’m a pusher – and he may complain (men can be babies, am I right?) – but we still have some living to do.

I want our kids to pay witness to everyday miracles.

For us, that means an engaged daddy. A daddy who shows up, participates, laughs, complains, embarrasses the kids – and loves them fiercely – despite whatever limitations we’re dealing with.

Because this isn’t the end of our family’s road. It’s just one we never anticipated.